First things first: after what has seemed like a very long wait, I had my HSG on Friday. I was quite scared of the x-ray, both because of the slight possibility it might show I needed further investigations and/or IVF, and because I’ve heard some women find it excruciating when the dye goes in. I have very painful periods, and a bendy cervix that makes it difficult to insert a catheter, so I’d just about convinced myself I’d be in the “this is agony” category. I needn’t have worried! I warned the nurse about my cervix and she decided to try just holding the catheter against it, which didn’t hurt at all and resulted in about half of the contrast entering my uterus – enough to show that my tubes are absolutely normal. 🙂 As for the promised “period-like pains”, they barely registered. Admittedly I’d taken paracetamol, ibuprofen and diazepam before the procedure, but I was still pleasantly surprised by how quick and easy it was.
Knowing that everything’s normal, and that we can finally try to conceive again next month, has been a wonderful end to the year. 2013 feels like a new start and, although it may take a few attempts, there is no particular reason (statistically or medically) to think that I will not be able to achieve a viable pregnancy. There are no guarantees when it comes to fertility, but I know I am lucky compared to most IF bloggers. In the past few months I have been struck by the unfairness of my situation, that not only do we need to spend thousands of pounds on IUI and donor sperm, we also got hit by pregnancy loss, but that’s only one side of the story.
When I look back over 2012, too, I realise that apart from the miscarriage and the grief of the last four months, it’s been a very good year. This time 12 months ago, OH had just left her job in extremely difficult circumstances and we faced an uncertain future. We didn’t know how we were going to cover her share of the bills, never mind find extra funds for fertility treatment. However, 2012 turned out to be the year when our finances improved drastically thanks to an inheritance. It was the year OH could finally go back to uni to study museum and heritage management, something we never thought would be possible before. It was the year she found a good part-time job reasonably quickly despite the state of the economy and some issues with references. It was the year she landed an amazing placement, which is in such a niche area that I won’t mention it here to protect her privacy, but if you follow me on Facebook you’ll know. And of course it was the year that we were able to get started with fertility treatment after an 18-month wait, even though our first cycle of IUI didn’t have a good outcome.
For me, 2012 has been a year of growing much closer to my family and my in-laws. Again, I can’t go into too many details to protect my relatives’ privacy, but it has been a year of healing rifts and learning to look past imperfections (or even more major flaws) to see the good in people. It was the year I left my therapy group, and came off antidepressants, both with unexpectedly good results that have left me feeling far more empowered regarding my mental health. It was the year we got our wonderful cat Bertie (a local stray who rocked up during my miscarriage in need of some mothering!) and the year we had great fun taking part in a musical show at church. It has also been a year of wrestling with God, but I think on the whole, my faith is stronger than it was 12 months ago.
I have joked to a few friends that I have two New Year’s Resolutions for 2013: get pregnant and stay pregnant! Seriously, though, I hope 2013 will be a year that I can continue to develop my relationships with the people in my life and with God. I want to continue to work on reaching out to others and learning to trust them, and to keep up my daily meditations in one form or another. I also hope it will be a year of continuing good mental health without too much heartbreak, but I will have to take that as it comes. And I hope all my readers have an enjoyable and fulfilling 2013, with the strength to cope with whatever life throws at you.