I had such high hopes for this cycle. It all went smoothly, the nurse could see I was either ovulating or about to, and it was a beautiful early spring day with the crocuses peeking through the grass.
Two weeks later, the snow has come down and the crocuses have all died.
At first, it seemed just like before. The random twinges in my pelvic area, the nausea, the very faint line on a First Response pregnancy test that you can only see if you tilt the stick at the right angle. Dr Google gives conflicting advice on whether this is a positive or a negative result, and I kept changing my mind about whether it counted, but still, there was hope – it seemed just like before.
Then, it seemed just like before. The faint line not getting any darker, the spotting on day 12, the cramps on day 13. They woke me at three o’clock this morning and I thought, I know how tomorrow goes because I’ve been here before. I go for my beta, the heavy red bleeding starts, and the nurse rings to say I’m pregnant but it’s not viable. And how long will this one take to resolve?
Not long, I hope, because in daylight things are different. That second line has gone completely and my period has started. I don’t know whether the Ovitrelle just took a very long time to leave my system, or whether I’ve had a chemical pregnancy, but maybe, just maybe, this time I’ll be able to move on quickly.
I need to trust God, I know that. I so desperately want a living child, and when treatment fails or babies are lost, there’s nobody else I can blame. But wrestling with God is destroying me. I need to stop looking for signs in magpies, stop insisting that a viable pregnancy this month is the only outcome I can cope with… and come back to this moment, sitting mindfully with my grief.
Love to you, I am thinking of you and holding you both in my prayers. I know that sounds horribly inadequate, but you are not doing this alone x x x
Thanks. It’s not inadequate at all, we really appreciate it. xxx
There are no words really I know, but just know that you are thought of and cared about at this time. take good care of yourself xx
Thank you. xx
I can’t think of words to say to you in your grief. My heart aches for you, it really does. Much love and prayers xxxxxxx
Thanks. There are no ‘right’ words, I know, but it helps so much to know that people are thinking of us and praying for us. xxx
I’d love to say something that would help.
My heart hurts for you. You’re in my prayers.x
Thanks. It helps just knowing that people care and we’re being prayed for. xxx
So sorry to hear this, not sure what to say, but be sure I will be praying for you both.
Thanks. We really appreciate your prayers. xx