How to Make a Baby


  • 2 lesbians (one ovulating)
  • 1 vial of IUI-quality sperm, defrosted
  • 2 nurses
  • 6 catheters of a variety of types
  • 1 glass of orange juice

1. Position the ovulating lesbian on a theatre table with her legs in stirrups, and have the other lesbian hold her hand. Keep the sperm warm.

2. Have nurse #1 try to insert the first catheter, without success. Repeat with catheters two, three and four.

3. Change to nurse #2. Try to insert catheter five, without success. Finally, insert catheter six and inject sperm in catheter.

4. Take lesbian onto the ward and give her orange juice until she stops shaking.

5. Allow sperm and egg to marinate in the womb for two weeks. A pregnancy test will then indicate whether the recipe has been successful.

* * *

I hope this hasn’t put anyone off IUI. It’s not usually that traumatic (honest!) and my retroverted uterus can make things trickier than usual.

On the plus side, after all my worries yesterday, I’m now pretty certain I ovulated today, so fingers crossed for a successful outcome!

8 thoughts on “How to Make a Baby

  1. Eek, that sounds very unpleasant! Sorry it ended up being such a rough procedure this time. I hope it’s not like this often (both for your sake, and because we want to have kids at some point and that does NOT sound like fun!). Hope you’re treating yourself to cake or something, and fingers crossed for you as always.

    • If you’re hoping to have fun while conceiving, might I suggest being heterosexual? πŸ˜‰

      Seriously, it’s not normally like that at all. Even with the bend in my cervix (which most women don’t have), it’s never taken more than two attempts before, and I’ve never before had to use my ward bed as anything more than a dumping ground for my jeans!

      Thanks for the finger crossings. πŸ™‚ x

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