- 2 lesbians (one ovulating)
- 1 vial of IUI-quality sperm, defrosted
- 2 nurses
- 6 catheters of a variety of types
- 1 glass of orange juice
1. Position the ovulating lesbian on a theatre table with her legs in stirrups, and have the other lesbian hold her hand. Keep the sperm warm.
2. Have nurse #1 try to insert the first catheter, without success. Repeat with catheters two, three and four.
3. Change to nurse #2. Try to insert catheter five, without success. Finally, insert catheter six and inject sperm in catheter.
4. Take lesbian onto the ward and give her orange juice until she stops shaking.
5. Allow sperm and egg to marinate in the womb for two weeks. A pregnancy test will then indicate whether the recipe has been successful.
* * *
I hope this hasn’t put anyone off IUI. It’s not usually that traumatic (honest!) and my retroverted uterus can make things trickier than usual.
On the plus side, after all my worries yesterday, I’m now pretty certain I ovulated today, so fingers crossed for a successful outcome!