Just a brief note to say I’ve been having some issues with WordPress over the past couple of weeks. In particular, it doesn’t like me posting comments (and sometimes it refuses to load blogs or show me as logged in). It looks as though other people have reported this issue, but the WP team haven’t found a solution yet.
If you’re having difficulty commenting on this blog, please let me know by email: songs [dot] sonnets [at] gmail [dot] com. Thanks. 🙂
And if you notice I’ve replied to other comments on a post but not yours, please don’t feel I’m ignoring you. It’s more likely that WP is playing up and I’ve had to step away from the internet before I throw my laptop out of the window in a progesterone-fuelled rage. I really appreciate all your support and I will get back to everyone eventually!
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IUI #5 hasn’t worked.
I didn’t really expect it to, but it still feels shit. This whole process is getting harder and harder. The injections, the traumatic inseminations, the progesterone making me feel pregnant… it’s a lot to go through for a 20%-ish chance of success. I’m really wishing we’d gone with IVF from the start, because it’s been almost a whole year now. Wednesday marks the anniversary of the start of our first cycle. A whole year of heartbreak… three BFNs, three months waiting for appointments before we could try again, two miscarriages, two months pregnant with a baby that would never be born, one month when the lab was closed, and one cancelled cycle. I never knew how hard it would be to get a lesbian pregnant.
We’re hoping to try again in August, if the timing is right (no way am I cancelling our trip to Cardiff to see my baby niece). But it feels as though there’s a lot of pressure for it to work. It will be my last IUI, and although it’s wonderful that after this we can access free IVF, if I don’t have a viable pregnancy from the next attempt I will be labelled officially infertile. Yes, I know this is a line drawn arbitrarily by my local NHS. The NICE guidelines actually say we should try for twice as long (12 IUIs) before IVF is considered. But I feel I’ve fallen a long way from the girl who got pregnant first time. And I do fear never being able to have a child.
Please pray for me and hope that our next year of trying to conceive is a better one.
It was worse this time.
I don’t think I can write about it all, but they ended up putting a clip on my cervix to straighten it out so they could get the catheter in. It hurt like fuck. Afterwards, the nurse admitted that just looking at the clip (I’ve forgotten its technical name) brings tears to her eyes.
I’m sat here crying now. It’s not really about the pain, I’m willing to endure pain to become pregnant, and I’m sure childbirth will be worse… if I ever get there. It’s the fact that even though I’m apparently fertile and normal (a retroverted uterus is considered normal), everything seems to be going wrong with our TTC journey. It’s the way it’s becoming progressively more difficult to get that catheter in. It’s the fear of needing IVF, which will be even more invasive and where (I believe) embryo survival rates are affected by a difficult transfer. It’s the things I have to go through that most women – even some lesbians – never face. To be honest, it makes me feel as though someone up there is deliberately throwing obstacles in my path – which makes it very difficult to trust God at a time when I most need Him.
I really want a baby, and I’m not giving up. I’m a veteran at pulling myself back together when I’ve fallen apart. But I wonder how long I can go on waiting and hoping for things to get better, when there’s no sign of the light at the end of this tunnel.