How to Make a Baby (Part Two)

It was worse this time.

I don’t think I can write about it all, but they ended up putting a clip on my cervix to straighten it out so they could get the catheter in. It hurt like fuck. Afterwards, the nurse admitted that just looking at the clip (I’ve forgotten its technical name) brings tears to her eyes.

I’m sat here crying now. It’s not really about the pain, I’m willing to endure pain to become pregnant, and I’m sure childbirth will be worse… if I ever get there. It’s the fact that even though I’m apparently fertile and normal (a retroverted uterus is considered normal), everything seems to be going wrong with our TTC journey. It’s the way it’s becoming progressively more difficult to get that catheter in. It’s the fear of needing IVF, which will be even more invasive and where (I believe) embryo survival rates are affected by a difficult transfer. It’s the things I have to go through that most women – even some lesbians – never face. To be honest, it makes me feel as though someone up there is deliberately throwing obstacles in my path – which makes it very difficult to trust God at a time when I most need Him.

I really want a baby, and I’m not giving up. I’m a veteran at pulling myself back together when I’ve fallen apart. But I wonder how long I can go on waiting and hoping for things to get better, when there’s no sign of the light at the end of this tunnel.

10 thoughts on “How to Make a Baby (Part Two)

  1. I can stand with you in how distressing invasive gyno procedures can be, the pain is not always the thing, it can be the vulnerability. At a time where your heart and soul is laid out in hope, having your legs up while someone clips your cervix just magnifies that sense of powerlessness, at least, it has for me. I sometimes feel an odd sense of betrayal by my reproductive bits, my ovaries make me miserable, nothing works, everything hurts and gets infected and I seem to still feel horribly responsible that the unique god given bits I have don’t work, won’t conceive and I am expected to pretend to be cool with it.

    Your grief is your own intensely private grief, all I can do is keep you in my thoughts and let you know that I hear how much pain you are in and I make room for it, whatever you feel about it all right now.

    Much love x

    • Thanks. You’re right, it does make me feel vulnerable and powerless, and I do feel oddly responsible when my reproductive bits don’t cooperate – I thought that was just me! As though if I were “good enough” I wouldn’t have had two miscarriages or a cancelled cycle or a wonky cervix… I suppose it’s a way of trying to reassert control where there is none. I’m used to working towards goals, but I’m not used to being this powerless in the process.

      I really appreciate your support and I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been through too. x

  2. I could sit here and feed you lots of sunshine and rainbows, but I won’t. I am truly sorry that you seem to encounter one obstacle after another; I am terribly sorry that you had to endure so much pain in the process. It’s a terrble burden to bear. But – with all of that said, please don’t lose faith. God never brings us to anything we cannot handle. Though it is tough to see the silver lining in this dark cloud, I do firmly believe that you must trust God and you have always done. He hasn’t given up on you so you cannot lose your trust in him. He will get you through this. You will feel better. You will have a child. You’re a woman and by nature, we are strong. Whatever the path you must take to motherhood is, you will endure it and it will all be worth it in the end. Live in the Sunshine.

    • Thanks. I haven’t lost my faith, but I feel as though my relationship with God – which at one point was a close and trusting one – has been turned upside down and I need to find a way to renegotiate it all. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I haven’t yet made sense of what’s happened to me from a religious/spiritual point of view. Thanks so much for your support and encouragement. x

  3. I’m really sorry you had to go through such a painful procedure. I don’t think any kind of higher power would deliberately throw such a thing at anyone. Horrible and painful experiences, and incredibly difficult and painful journeys, are experiences that many people have to go through in some form and at some point in their lives – which is not at all to dismiss the pain of what you’re going through, not at all, but I just mean that it doesn’t seem like a higher power would have a hand in causing any of that for anyone. Sometimes painful things happen to people, and sometimes you have to go through pain to try to achieve the outcome you really want – and it’s just painful and unfair and there’s no one thing or power orchestrating it, it’s just a really unfortunate series of things. I believe you have the strength to get through this, it’s not anyone’s fault, it just is. To me it seems like the pain and the uncertainty and the fear of what may happen aren’t the fault of a higher power, but believing in your own strength and ability, talking through how much it hurts and letting yourself feel it and get support with it (and adding your faith to that) can help you get through it.

    On a more practical note, is it worth having a chat with the treatment team about how they can minimise the pain and discomfort in future, and seeing what options there might be? (I don’t know, may not be, just a thought).

    I really hope that this time it’s successful.

    Thinking of you.

    • Thanks. I go back and forwards on this one. How do we reconcile the suffering and unfairness in the world with the idea of a loving but omnipotent God? In the past when I’ve been hurt it’s mostly been as a result of other people (directly or indirectly, maliciously or unintentionally), and this feels so different. Like I said to andjustaddwater above, it feels as though I’m having to renegotiate the terms of my faith and I’m still struggling to make sense of it all from a Christian/spiritual viewpoint.

      On the plus side, my treatment team have been lovely. They didn’t use the clip until they’d tried all the less painful options, they talked me through what they were doing and going to do, were very supportive emotionally, and let me have a lie-down and a cup of tea afterwards. If this isn’t my last treatment then I will definitely raise the issue in advance and see if we can come up with some sort of plan for next time.

      Thanks for your support. x

      • I don’t know if this will help at all, but here goes. I guess I reconcile it because there are different causes of suffering and unfairness. There are hurts caused by people like you said – and people have free will so can do as they please. But there are also things that aren’t aimed at hurting someone, aren’t aimed at causing suffering at all – things like natural disasters, or facts of life or biology that can cause a lot of suffering to people, but there’s no intent to do so behind them, just science or practicality or whatever. It may appear unfair, but these things come from a place of neither fairness or unfairness – they just are, if that makes any sense. I think this can coexist with a loving and omnipotent ‘god’, because a higher power isn’t necessarily going to intervene with systems of science because they were created that way for a good set of reasons – even if that means sometimes people suffer as a result, that doesn’t mean that the delicate balance should be disturbed in order to avoid all suffering, precisely because it is a balance and because those reasons are good ones (even if they don’t feel so personally sometimes).

        I hope that doesn’t seem harsh or uncaring, because that isn’t my intent at all. I can see how, from your viewpoint, it appears as if someone is causing this journey to be particularly painful and unfair for you – and that’s an understandable way to feel. I just wonder if perhaps you’re looking for a personal reason behind this all, as though this suffering is directed at you, therefore it’s hard to reconcile with a loving ‘god’ – but perhaps it isn’t personal at all, perhaps it’s not intended to cause suffering it’s just facts of science and life that do cause you pain and anguish but without intent to do so behind them. That lack of someone to blame, lack of control, lack of certainty can feel very difficult, but perhaps faith is there to assist us in dealing with our inherent human vulnerabilities like this? (which makes me think about my previous comments about uncertainty etc on your post ‘when grief and faith collide’ back in April).

        Like I said, I don’t know if this will help at all, it’s just my take on how I might try to reconcile things in case it makes some sense. I know things that throw our belief systems into disarray can be really difficult to deal with – I really feel for you dealing with this at a time when you’re going through such painful procedures and grief and vulnerability.

        • Thanks for sharing your perspective. It’s helpful for me to hear how other people make sense of this issue, as I try to find a way forwards myself. I do think there’s an element of me looking for a personal reason for what’s happened, because it helps me feel more in control – and it so isn’t worth it! At the same time, I’m increasingly aware that what God has planned for my life might not be what I want, even though there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with what I want, and that’s scary. And I think the biggest stumbling block for me is still what happened in February. When I was convinced I was going to get pregnant but aware I could be mistaken, I specifically asked God for help with this and he appeared to give me a sign that said treatment would work that month. I know this was probably my misinterpretation, but it means my relationship with God has to change because the way I thought I was communicating with him wasn’t working and ended up with me getting very hurt.

          I haven’t forgotten what you said about faith back in April. It was very helpful. 🙂 And I do still have faith, it’s just a difficult faith without a whole lot of trust. I think it will take time for me to figure out my (new) relationship with God and how I make sense of things, and it’s not going to be an easy journey, but I do appreciate your perspective.

          Thanks for your support. xx

  4. Hello, I just found your blog and have been catching up on your story. I just wanted to say I understand about that evil cervix clip thingy. When my RE used that on me for my HSG, I thought I was going to scream out in pain. It actually made me sweat. I’m really sorry you had to go through that 😦 I’ll keep following your story–wishing you good things to come!

    • Welcome! I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that too. I was lucky with my HSG – the nurse tried just holding the catheter against my cervix and that was enough for the dye to go in.

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