It was worse this time.
I don’t think I can write about it all, but they ended up putting a clip on my cervix to straighten it out so they could get the catheter in. It hurt like fuck. Afterwards, the nurse admitted that just looking at the clip (I’ve forgotten its technical name) brings tears to her eyes.
I’m sat here crying now. It’s not really about the pain, I’m willing to endure pain to become pregnant, and I’m sure childbirth will be worse… if I ever get there. It’s the fact that even though I’m apparently fertile and normal (a retroverted uterus is considered normal), everything seems to be going wrong with our TTC journey. It’s the way it’s becoming progressively more difficult to get that catheter in. It’s the fear of needing IVF, which will be even more invasive and where (I believe) embryo survival rates are affected by a difficult transfer. It’s the things I have to go through that most women – even some lesbians – never face. To be honest, it makes me feel as though someone up there is deliberately throwing obstacles in my path – which makes it very difficult to trust God at a time when I most need Him.
I really want a baby, and I’m not giving up. I’m a veteran at pulling myself back together when I’ve fallen apart. But I wonder how long I can go on waiting and hoping for things to get better, when there’s no sign of the light at the end of this tunnel.