Not Pregnant

IUI #5 hasn’t worked.

I didn’t really expect it to, but it still feels shit. This whole process is getting harder and harder. The injections, the traumatic inseminations, the progesterone making me feel pregnant… it’s a lot to go through for a 20%-ish chance of success. I’m really wishing we’d gone with IVF from the start, because it’s been almost a whole year now. Wednesday marks the anniversary of the start of our first cycle. A whole year of heartbreak… three BFNs, three months waiting for appointments before we could try again, two miscarriages, two months pregnant with a baby that would never be born, one month when the lab was closed, and one cancelled cycle. I never knew how hard it would be to get a lesbian pregnant.

We’re hoping to try again in August, if the timing is right (no way am I cancelling our trip to Cardiff to see my baby niece). But it feels as though there’s a lot of pressure for it to work. It will be my last IUI, and although it’s wonderful that after this we can access free IVF, if I don’t have a viable pregnancy from the next attempt I will be labelled officially infertile. Yes, I know this is a line drawn arbitrarily by my local NHS. The NICE guidelines actually say we should try for twice as long (12 IUIs) before IVF is considered. But I feel I’ve fallen a long way from the girl who got pregnant first time. And I do fear never being able to have a child.

Please pray for me and hope that our next year of trying to conceive is a better one.

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10 thoughts on “Not Pregnant

  1. I’m so sorry 😦 We’re also coming up on a year of “really trying” (18 months total of ttc), and it’s hard. I have friends who have already gotten pregnant and given birth in the time we’ve been trying. I hate that you’re having to go through this heartache. I will be hoping you get good news in August!

    • Thanks. I’ve just had a look at your blog and I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been trying for so long with no success. I’ve also had relatives and colleagues get pregnant and give birth in this past year (though one had been TTC for four years, so that’s fair enough!) It’s silly but I feel like it should be ‘first come, first served’… of course, (in)fertility doesn’t work that way. Really hoping you get a positive result from your hysteroscopy.

  2. I’m really sorry, it seems like you’ve had a rough year with this.

    I’ve come across quite a few straight friends who have struggled to get pregnant, even though they don’t have the same barriers or restrictions over when they can try. It seems like one of those really unfortunate, difficult things that for some people it’s really not that easy to get pregnant. I know that you probably know that, I guess I’m just trying to say that you’re not alone. I know it must be really upsetting regardless.

    I know there are further barriers in place when you’re not in a hetero relationship – who knows whether you’d been able to get viabily pregnant by now if you had regular access to… um… all the necessary ingredients. But I don’t think it’s a case of you having ‘fallen’ from the ranks of the ‘fertile’ to the ‘infertile’, and it’s not like this is down to anything you have done or not done. I guess the NHS line is just drawn so that they decide when to switch treatments – how you choose to think of this yourself is up to you. Which isn’t meant to be harsh at all – I guess I’m just trying to say ‘try not to let them define how you feel’, and to try to let yourself come to terms with all this in your own way without necessarily having to use the same terms if they don’t feel like they fit. If that makes sense.

    I don’t pray, but I do hope that the next year is a better one.

    • Thanks. It is one of those unfortunate, difficult things – I know so many people, both straight and gay, who are facing fertility issues of one kind or another. I know I’m not alone, but that doesn’t really make my own pain any less. I wish none of us had to suffer.

      The local NHS guidelines are actually to determine who’s “infertile” enough to qualify for free treatment (they only fund treatment for infertility with a known or presumed medical cause, and “fertile” lesbians or single women who need a donor have to pay). I know to some extent it’s just semantics, and the line could have been drawn in a different place, but I’ve gone from being told I have a “really good chance” of natural IUI working because it got me pregnant last year, to hearing that if my next superovulated IUI doesn’t work, the NHS will fund treatment because my “fertility has been tested through those six cycles” (and presumably found lacking). I think it all comes down to statistics – since all my tests have been normal, there’s no way to know whether I’m “really” medically infertile, and it could just be bad luck, but it’s becoming more likely than it was before that there’s some sort of problem *on top of* the access-to-sperm issue. I hope that makes sense! That’s where I was coming from with my “fallen a long way” comment, and I actually feel that the NHS label does fit, or will fit if our next cycle doesn’t succeed.

      xx

      • Sorry, I couldn’t tell from your post that you felt the NHS label does fit. From the way you phrased it it seemed like perhaps you may have felt it did not or you were unsure. My mistake.

        I just want to reiterate that my attempt to reassure you that you’re not alone was not a negation of how difficult you have found all this. I find it helpful when I am struggling with my own stuff to be reminded that I am not alone, so I thought you may do too. Again, my mistake for misjudging this.

  3. I am so very sad for you. I know how much you desperately wanted to fall pregnant this cycle. There are absolutely no words I can offer to take away the disappointment you and OH feel. I firmly feel that motherhood is in your future. If I can have hope, surely you can as well. Being labeled as “infertile” is something none of us would like to face. The bright side of that label, however, is that you will be able to pursue IVF through the NHS; that is an option that we in the US don’t have. Please know that I will be praying for you and OH that you can both find peace in this situation and I will be praying that you have a successful and less traumatic cycle in August. (((Hugs)))

    • Thanks. We are incredibly lucky to be able to access IVF on the NHS, and I’m grateful for it – but coming as it does with an “infertile” label, it feels like a double-edged sword! I still have hope, but not as much as I once did. One thing’s for sure, this is turning out to be a difficult journey (and I know your journey hasn’t been easy either).

      Thanks for your prayers and hugs. We appreciate them. x

  4. I’m so sorry. I know it’s disappointing. In a week’s time, it’ll have been a year since I came off the Pill. I thought I’d either have a baby or be pregnant by now. Your line “…I feel I’ve fallen a long way from the girl who got pregnant first time. And I do fear never being able to have a child.” went straight through my soul. YES. I understand this so well. Much love to you x

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